Stay on Offense Climb Mountains

Attacking Adversity

Bookish Weapon Number Seventy-Two

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This book’s subtitle is presented as a “Practical Guide” to face your darkness, end self-sabotage and find freedom. Sounds like a real bookish weapon to me, but then I am bias about bookish weapons.

Connor Beaton’s book makes you think. A lot. So much so he encourages you to get involved with a mens group so you can think about the tops together. After all there is strength in numbers and you are going to need a lot of strength to get through this one.

What Kind of Men?

The men who Connor says need this the most are men that has been abused, abused others, or who are hurting or have been hurt. A man that has hurt others or is hurting others. That covers it.

“A man that avoids his pain is a man that is enslaved by it,” say Beaton. Men are taught to suck it up, stuff it down, pour whiskey on it. Rinse and repeat.

Pain

“Most men simply haven’t been taught how to deal with their pain and use it to become something better,” says Beaton. “In fact, I began to see that not only have most men not been given the tools and resources to deal with the pain and suffering in their lives, but we as men are actively taught the opposite – the idiotic tactic of constant emotional avoidance. Not only this but our emotional avoidance is seen as a theoretical and rational strength in certain circles.” You get the general slant to the book. He says it is for men who wish to integrate their darkness so they are not so controlled by it.

He discusses how to integrate your “shadow.” Phil Stutz has spoken a lot about the shadow so some of you may be familiar with the term. It is the dark side. So this book helps you “to face your shadow and own all you have neglected, ignored and avoided.” Sounds like a big order, but Beaton says there are two pillars to man’s work, “a magnetic pull towards freedom, and the deep yearning to lead ourselves effectively, with passion, respect and fulfillment.” Then he says, “The shadow, especially within the male culture, has become a storehouse of repressed, hidden, and rejected pain.”

One Rule

Beaton refers to the “one rule of men” which is, “Don’t talk about what it’s like to be a man that is struggling.” Stuff it.Suck it up.

For some reason I have not experienced what he is talking about. I tell everybody my problems. That is my shortcoming.

Isolation

This is my other shortcoming. Beaton says, “Isolation makes a man impotent.” Well, that explains a lot for me! He goes on to say isolation creates hopeless and controlling men. He says that “…the inevitable impact of isolation is the amplification of pre-existing conditions, behaviors, thought patterns, emotions, and fears.” And, “When you isolate, you are left with nothing but your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and coping mechanisms – letting them spin outing larger, more robust, and more concrete illusions. Anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, and the coping mechanisms used to deal with these experiences are all amplified when you isolate from others or attempt to mask your own truth or desires.”

Isolation is built to either protect or punish says Beaton. A lot to think about.

The Father and Mother

I could rewrite the book, but let me just say that your mother and father have a lot to do with who you are now. Of course many men have processed this and at least understand it. If you read this section of the book you will most likely learn more than you thought you knew.

The “big ideas,” as Brian Johnson likes to discuss in his Philosopher Notes are asking yourself questions about how your father showed up in your life or not. Also, his pain. Then Beaton asks a lot of questions about your pain and how to turn your pain into purpose. The next idea that is discussed is the “shadow of the mother.” For example, Beaton says, “ A man who had a good experience with his mother, maybe too good, can become very effeminate in nature, be preyed upon or taken advantage of by women, and will usually struggle to cope with or want to face the hardships of life. These men are prone to reflecting and thinking about life so much that they struggle to live it fully.”

Your Anger

Beaton says to embrace it. This is a good discussion of how men relate to their anger. I personally am working on getting better at Reactive Discipline which is giving something some time before reacting. Beaton says, “Your activity is a neon sign pointing toward your shadow.” “Defensiveness, passive-aggression, feeling hopeless, shutting down, or aggressively criticizing are all examples of reactivity.”

So get a grip on your anger guys!

One Last Thing

I have spent a good deal of my life in personal development so when I read the following it got my attention:

“The hidden truth about your personal development, or personal growth, is that it is equally a practice in personal death.” If you want to read more of this sort of thing get the book and read it.

Go Hiking And Endure Or Not

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I know what you’re thinking! He’s going to tell me I need to endure the hikes even if I am sick and tired or over trained. If I had written this a year ago, I would have said you were dead right.

However, climbing a grueling mountain trail when you are over trained doesn’t make a lot of sense. Like I said, a year ago I would have done it anyway, but I changed my mind.

Pay Attention

If you are fortunate or nerdy enough to use the NatureBeat (Sweetwaterhrv) App, Whoop, or even a Garmin watch, you are paying attention to your heart rate variability. With NatureBeat it will give you both your Sympathetic and Parasympathetic numbers. Those to numbers make represent you autonomic nervous system. The first one is your “flight or flight” readiness and the second your “rest and digest” score. With the Whoop you also get a recovery score.

So what do you do if you don’t have any of this technology? Listen to your body! If you are overly tired maybe a day off would be the wisest choice. Then you will have less chance of getting an injury or even sick. Now don’t think you can just be a slacker. You can get improvements in fitness by pushing yourself when the numbers are bad. Just don’t do it all the time.

Pay With Your Heath

If you do not listen to your body and push through there is a good chance you will not do well. I learned this myself the hard way. A pattern developed where I was not getting enough sleep and was exercising hard every day and then of course, climbing a mountain. All my numbers were bad. So I thought I would see if I could get the numbers to go back up after taking a week off from exercise. It worked. They went up a little. More on that other time.

After once again hitting the trail, a late night (anything after 5:00 PM) wedding resulted in making me even more tired than the exercise. Of course I had climbed a mountain the day before so I was primed for weariness.

My Permission

It is official. You have my permission to take a week off from s hike if everything is stacked against you. You do not have to endure! Of course you don’t need my permission for anything!

The most important think to remember as a general rule with some exceptions: Go Hiking!

Bookish Weapon Number Sixty-Eight

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Daniel H. Pink has written a book called, “The Power of Regret.” If you are like me, I bet you didn’t think there was anything good about regret. I think we are right if regret is isolated.

Pink argues that you can use regret to make your future and present life better. That made sense to me. Frank Sinatra acknowledged regret in “My Way,” He sang that he had a few, but they didn’t seem to bother him much. Maybe he knew what Pink has discovered.

Studies

For those of you who are data lovers, Pink has more than enough studies and experiments to satisfy you.

One I thought was particularly interesting had to do with Optimizers and Satisfiers. Researchers fund that people who maximized for everything were less happy and had significantly more depression that the ones that satisfied themselves. An optimizer had to have the very best choice. The satisfiers were just that. The maximizers had more sensitivity to regret.

Foundation Regrets

Pink tells us there are four primary types of regrets and the first one is foundation regret. These are major regrets. Not making good financial decisions. For example, not saving enough for retirement which is just overspending and under saving.

It could be in the realm of education. Maybe you don’t go for the advanced degree or you left school early. It could also involve your health. Maybe you haven’t taken are of yourself.

Boldness Regrets

These are the chances we never took. Pink says, “What haunts us is the inaction itself.” You had a chance to travel the world, but you turned it down. Maybe you didn’t even enter that contest. You know, the one that could have shined a light on your talent.

One of my own regrets in this area was not taking a promotion early in my sales career. It involved moving to another state and I convinced myself it was better for my family if I said no.

Moral Regrets

You cheated on your spouse. You cheated on a test. As Pink says, …”the realm in which they occur…is less significant than the act itself.

The other thing we do is rationalize these moral infractions so we don’t always notice them right away. It might be years later before they grab us around the neck.

Connection Regrets

Pink says, “Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.

Personally, I can include divorce here. Maybe you just never pursued the woman you really loved. I suppose the could be a boldness regret, but connection as well.

Regret Optimization Framework

As I mentioned above Pink’s book helps you use regret to get better. This framework helps you do that. Pink explains, “The Regret Optimization Framework holds that we should devote time and effort to anticipate the four core regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. But anticipating regrets outside these four categories is usually not worthwhile.” (Boldness mine)

So ask yourself if you are dealing with one of the big four. If you are not then “satisfice.”This is the word Pink uses to describer the actions of satisfiers mentioned above.

Get the book for all the other goodness!

Bookish Weapon Number Sixty-Two

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Scott Glassman wrote a book in 2013 called “A Happier You,” which is what I am going to summarize for you today. Recently, he wrote a new book, but I have not read it yet so I won’t comment.

“A Happier You,” is a step by step guide for becoming happier. It is a program really, which includes exercise you do every week. The question is how many people will take the time to do the exercises. Here are some of the highlights of the book.

Seven Weeks

The book is divided into seven weeks which include the following, catching positive events, exploring successes and personal strengths, cultivating gratitude, finding laughter and playfulness, fueling life with enjoyable and meaningful activities, reveling the springs of kindness and expanding the boundaries of love.

The author recommends that you not only do the exercises but do them several times per week. So this may be a book you want to read several times to get the full effect and to be sure to get your quota of exercises done.

Mountains

One of the things I liked was his use of mountains to explain concepts. He talks about listing “mountains” conquered during your week. It could include all your positive accomplishments or just major ones.

Then he says to ask yourself, “How do the smallest mountains I conquered this week move me closer to achieving my larger goals in life?”

Gratitude

Gratitude is a big part of feeling happier. I was not surprised when he included it. Every morning I write seven things down that I am grateful for including something that was bad but that had a silver lining.

The unique thing about how Glassman approaches this are the exercises. For example, he has you list common things you do every day and then gives you questions to ask that make them better. One question is, “How can I see this activity in my life as a gift?” Another great one is asking, “Is this something that would have been possible a hundred yeas ago? If not, how does that effect how much I appreciate it now?”

Meaning

Finding more meaning in your life should make you happier so the author spends some time helping you find it. Where? In new activities maybe. Or finding the meaning in existing activities.

Another part of this discussion includes values and the importance of fueling your activities by using values. You value fitness and health so you go hiking!

As usual there is a lot more in this book and I recommend you get it.

Bookish Weapon Number Fifty-Five

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Is “Beyond Order” a Bookish Weapon? Of course it is, because in gives you more tools to fight adversity. Most of these tools are concerning how you think about things. They are structured in twelve rules about life.

Let’s look at the first rule in the book which is “Do not Carelessly Denigrate Social Institutions Or Creative Achievement.” Of course Jordan makes a comprehensive argument as to why you should not do this. There are eleven more rules like this. Actually there are many more rules, but you need to read his first book for those.

Rule 1

In this summary of the book I am not going to spend lots of time on each rule, but I think I need to briefly discuss each one. Well, no! So I will just convey what I liked the most about a few of them or the most interesting ideas from my perspective.

The first tidbit I came across was when Peterson says that his experience from years of psychological practice taught him that “people depend on constant communication with others to keep their minds organized.” That observation is fascinating to me since I spend most of my time alone.

The second thing that got my attention was on page nine. He lists a series of questions he asks his clients such as “Do they have friends and a social life? A stable and satisfying intimate partnership?” And on and on. Based on my answers to the questions I am “insufficiently embedded in the interpersonal world and in danger of spiraling downward psychologically because of that.” That was not encouraging.

Rule 2

The second rule is “Imagine Who You Could Be and then Aim Single-Mindedly At That.” Two points noticed. He says, “By accepting life’s suffering therefore evil maybe overcome,” and “That which you most need to find will be found where you least wish to look.” He goes on to discuss Harry Potter and how that whole story fits in to all this.

Finally, he says, “You need to know where you are, or you will not be able to draw a straight line from your starting point to your destination. You need to know where you are going, or you will drown in uncertainty, unpredictability, and chaos, and starve for hope and inspiration.” That really sounds like my life, at least from time to time.

Rule 3

“Do Not Hide Unwanted Things In The Fog.” In this chapter he discusses things like “willful blindness,” and “Failing to look under the bed when you strongly suspect a monster is lurking there is not an advisable strategy.” That is so good!

He talks about what the fog actually is. “You have become distrustful even of hope itself, as your hope has been repeatedly shattered (and that is the very definition of hopelessness). You are afraid of yourself and other people. You are in the fog. “Imagine. More precisely, that you are so afraid that you will not allow yourself even to know what you want.”

Rule 4

“Notice That Opportunity Lurks Where Responsibility Has Been Abdicated.” (Ok, this one and maybe one more rule) Here Peterson discusses Peter Pan. He says that Peter has come to some conclusions like not wanting to grow up. “Better to remain king of the Lost Boys. Better to remain lost in fantasy with Tinkerbell, who provides everything a female partner can provide – except that she doesn’t exist.”

“You must sacrifice something of your manifold potential in exchange for something real in life. Time at something. Discipline yourself. Or suffer the consequence.And what is the consequence? All the suffering in life, with none of the meaning. Is there s better description of hell?”

And what about “willful blindness”mentioned earlier? He says, “It is a terrible temptation, as it allows for the sequestration into the future the trouble we face today. That would are fine if trouble did not compound, like interest – but we all know it does.”

There is so much more. Please read the book!!

Rule 11

Yes, I know, I skipped a bunch of rules, but I am not trying to rewrite the book. Rule eleven is “Do Not Allow Yourself To Become Resentful, Deceitful, or Arrogant.” I have so much underlined here it is hard to choose what to share.

I think this plea summarizes this rule: “Perhaps you could live in a manner who’s nobility, grandeur, and intrinsic meaning would be of sufficient import that you could tolerate the negative elements of existence without becoming so bitter as to transform everything around you into something resembling hell.”

Now, go get the book!

Bookish Weapon Number Fifty-Four

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Ethan Cross, in his book “Chatter, says that “…we internally talk to ourselves at a rate equivalent to speaking four thousand words per minute out loud.” That is with considering.

We are talking to ourselves so much it is hard to get a word in edgewise! So what does that mean? How do we get a handle on it? This book is a bookish weapon to use on your mind.

Coach or Critic

Cross discusses what he calls the puzzle. “How can the voice that serves as our best coach also be our worst critic?”He discusses why we talk to ourselves if you are interested in that, but our voice is both a coach and a critic. It can be more of one than the other. That depends on how we manage it.

Our brain’s executive function requires all our brain and the negative inner voice reduces what’s available. So, as Cross says, “Verbal rumination concentrates our attention narrowly on the source of our emotional distress, thus stealing neurons that could better serve us. In effect, we jam our executive functions up by attending to a “dual task” – the task of doing whatever it is we want to do and the task of listening to our pained inner voice. Neurologically, that’s how chatter divides and blurs our attention.

What To Do?

This is where Cross gives us some weapons. The first one he calls “zooming out.” It is simply looking at your distress from a distance. Psychological distance helps. He says it “unclouds our verbal stream. “…you could use your mind to frame your problems from a zoomed-out perspective.” So you just see yourself from afar.

This weapon helps you control your emotional reaction. So you are really seeing the “big picture.” I like the question. “Will this matter when I am on my death bed?” That gives you some perspective. He calls this “temporal distancing.”

What Else to Do

There is much more. He recommends one of the four strategies in my book for handling adversity, journaling. He calls it the “power of the pen,” and it provides great psychological consolation.

Also, shift from using “I” to saying your first name or you or he or she “provides a mechanism for gaining emotional distance.”

Challenge or Threat

Mentioned above, using your first name can help you shift something from a threat to a challenge which is what you want. “Research shows that distanced self-talk leads people to consider stressful situations inmate challenge-oriented terms, allowing them to provide more encouraging, “you can do it” advice to themselves, rather than catastrophizing the situation.”

Be careful of dominoes! Our inner voice is like dominoes. One negative thought leads to another. This is because our emotional memories are linked and “governed by principles of “associationism.”

Order

External order will help with internal chaos. Jordan B. Peterson discusses this a great deal when he talks about the importance of “cleaning your room.” You provide order in your external environment to help you with your internal one. It increases our sense of being in control.

As Cross explains how you create order doesn’t even have to have anything to do with what is causing you emotional pain. The author says, “We’re embedded on our physical spaces, and different features of these spaces activate psychological forces inside us, which affect how we think and feel.”

There is so much more in this book to help you master your inner world. Read it!