This book’s subtitle is presented as a “Practical Guide” to face your darkness, end self-sabotage and find freedom. Sounds like a real bookish weapon to me, but then I am bias about bookish weapons.
Connor Beaton’s book makes you think. A lot. So much so he encourages you to get involved with a mens group so you can think about the tops together. After all there is strength in numbers and you are going to need a lot of strength to get through this one.
What Kind of Men?
The men who Connor says need this the most are men that has been abused, abused others, or who are hurting or have been hurt. A man that has hurt others or is hurting others. That covers it.
“A man that avoids his pain is a man that is enslaved by it,” say Beaton. Men are taught to suck it up, stuff it down, pour whiskey on it. Rinse and repeat.
Pain
“Most men simply haven’t been taught how to deal with their pain and use it to become something better,” says Beaton. “In fact, I began to see that not only have most men not been given the tools and resources to deal with the pain and suffering in their lives, but we as men are actively taught the opposite – the idiotic tactic of constant emotional avoidance. Not only this but our emotional avoidance is seen as a theoretical and rational strength in certain circles.” You get the general slant to the book. He says it is for men who wish to integrate their darkness so they are not so controlled by it.
He discusses how to integrate your “shadow.” Phil Stutz has spoken a lot about the shadow so some of you may be familiar with the term. It is the dark side. So this book helps you “to face your shadow and own all you have neglected, ignored and avoided.” Sounds like a big order, but Beaton says there are two pillars to man’s work, “a magnetic pull towards freedom, and the deep yearning to lead ourselves effectively, with passion, respect and fulfillment.” Then he says, “The shadow, especially within the male culture, has become a storehouse of repressed, hidden, and rejected pain.”
One Rule
Beaton refers to the “one rule of men” which is, “Don’t talk about what it’s like to be a man that is struggling.” Stuff it.Suck it up.
For some reason I have not experienced what he is talking about. I tell everybody my problems. That is my shortcoming.
Isolation
This is my other shortcoming. Beaton says, “Isolation makes a man impotent.” Well, that explains a lot for me! He goes on to say isolation creates hopeless and controlling men. He says that “…the inevitable impact of isolation is the amplification of pre-existing conditions, behaviors, thought patterns, emotions, and fears.” And, “When you isolate, you are left with nothing but your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and coping mechanisms – letting them spin outing larger, more robust, and more concrete illusions. Anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, and the coping mechanisms used to deal with these experiences are all amplified when you isolate from others or attempt to mask your own truth or desires.”
Isolation is built to either protect or punish says Beaton. A lot to think about.
The Father and Mother
I could rewrite the book, but let me just say that your mother and father have a lot to do with who you are now. Of course many men have processed this and at least understand it. If you read this section of the book you will most likely learn more than you thought you knew.
The “big ideas,” as Brian Johnson likes to discuss in his Philosopher Notes are asking yourself questions about how your father showed up in your life or not. Also, his pain. Then Beaton asks a lot of questions about your pain and how to turn your pain into purpose. The next idea that is discussed is the “shadow of the mother.” For example, Beaton says, “ A man who had a good experience with his mother, maybe too good, can become very effeminate in nature, be preyed upon or taken advantage of by women, and will usually struggle to cope with or want to face the hardships of life. These men are prone to reflecting and thinking about life so much that they struggle to live it fully.”
Your Anger
Beaton says to embrace it. This is a good discussion of how men relate to their anger. I personally am working on getting better at Reactive Discipline which is giving something some time before reacting. Beaton says, “Your activity is a neon sign pointing toward your shadow.” “Defensiveness, passive-aggression, feeling hopeless, shutting down, or aggressively criticizing are all examples of reactivity.”
So get a grip on your anger guys!
One Last Thing
I have spent a good deal of my life in personal development so when I read the following it got my attention:
“The hidden truth about your personal development, or personal growth, is that it is equally a practice in personal death.” If you want to read more of this sort of thing get the book and read it.
